Monday, April 23, 2012

wisdom of investment

i've thought long and hard these last few weeks about what to do here at tummymuffin.net.  i know some of you who come here do so because you have been following this journey for a long time.  i know some of you who come here do so because you were sent to hear an honest voice talking about the thorny, twisting road of infertility and pregnancy loss.  and i think that even though i'm now experiencing the fulfilled hope of a longtime dream, the story is far from over.  i'm realizing that just as pregnancy after loss is very different, so is motherhood after loss: truly, i have paid for it in the "coin of pain."  i would not have chosen this way, yet i am grateful for the multilayered depths of patient love the waiting has given to me i would not otherwise have.
as i write this, i'm looking at my new son's tiny napping face as he decides whether to keep dreaming his baby dreams or to open his clear blue eyes and experience more of this brand-new world. i know i cannot keep dreaming my old dreams; i need to trust that my experience of this terrifying and exhilarating new world can still be honest and hope-giving for you, wherever you are on your journey.

INVESTMENT
by Carol Lynn Pearson

How enviously 
I watched 
The rose bush 
Bear her bud --
Such an easy,
Lovely birth.
And 
At that moment 
I wished 
The sweet myth were true --
That I could 

Pluck you,
My child
From some 
green vine.

But now 

As you breathe,
Through flesh 
That was mine
(Gently in the
Small circle
Of my arms),
I see
The wisdom
Of investment.

The easy gift 

Is easy to forget.
But what is bought
With coin of pain
Is dearly kept.

thanks to my beloved sister for sharing this poem with me.