Thursday, November 27, 2008

Week Nine: Goodbye

sometime between Monday (24th) night and Tuesday morning (25th), Tummymuffin quietly disappeared. the grief is crushing and primal, but still there is this deep peace of God that is keeping us afloat. the image that brings me the most comfort is that my grandmother must even now be cradling her (yes, i think Tummymuffin was a her).

i'm deliberately posting this on Thanksgiving Day, because we have so much to be grateful for. we are thankful that we know i can get pregnant. we are thankful that we were parents for nine heady, wondrous weeks. we are thankful that i am physically okay, with no complications. and we are thankful that we have a strong community of friends and family that can and will support us -- and already are.

i have no regrets about sharing the happiness of Tummymuffin with all of you when i did; i'm sorry i now must share the sadness too. i know miscarriage is not uncommon; very likely many of you have had this experience, and i need your feedback now more than ever. as for this blog, i'm not going to take it down -- i may continue to post, and we definitely have faith that there will be a Tummymuffin II. it's hard for me to think too far ahead; right now life is moving on, but only a day at a time. sometimes just an hour at a time.

oh my little Tummymuffin, you brought so much joy in your tiny life to so many; for this i will be forever grateful to you. you were this glowing, amazing, invisible reality within me, and i hope to never forget what astonishing wonder that was. goodbye...

11 comments:

CAKE said...

Oh Erika and Thomas,
We are so so sorry! It's so good you shared all this with us. This is a hard road to travel silently. It is a comfort to know she is with your grandmother (and my father and Kevin's mom who would certainly pop over to say hi). Oh my goodness....this is heartbreaking news. Do take care --- we pray for healing and new joy.

We love you tons.
Christine and Kevin

jamie christine said...

I am crying for you, with you, right now, terribly sad for the loss of your baby. I did not, do not ever want anyone to know this pain. But I am grateful with you for the hope you have in Jesus for future muffins, and for your baby to be with your grandmother. Or maybe she's already playing with our lost babies and Ai-chan? I hope so. Sending you much love, prayers and tears~

Jerilyn said...

Oh, Sweetie, I am so very sad & sorry to hear about the loss of both Tummymuffin and your way cool Grandmother. I can totally envision the one who lived so long holding the one who left too soon and telling her great stories.

I too must agree that I think this blog where all of us could talk to you and experience the beauty & unfortunate brevity of this journey was the best kind of scrapbook. You were a mommy for 2 unforgettable months & you capitalized on the time you had.

Do stay in touch and reach out any time. Duane & I send you & Thomas our love & prayers for God's best.

Jerilyn

Minerva said...

Dearest Erika and Thomas,
I'm so sad to hear about the loss of Tumymuffin. My heart hurts for the both of you. God is faithful and true and will help you through these losses. We will journey with you so please keep this blog. We love you.

Love,
Minerva, Harry, Chase and Jonathan

kabrhill said...

Dearest Sister,

I too am so sorry to hear this, words seem so inadequate to heal the grief and pain. Know that we will be praying for you. My dad and aunt (who's funeral was Friday) will take good care of her for you, til your happy reuion day!

Love you so much,

Katrina & the Family

Anonymous said...

Erika and Thomas,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I really don't have the words to express how sad I am for the two of you. I think it is really beautiful that she came into your lives and that the two of you gave all of the gift of sharing your joy and sorrow through this experience. I know we have been friends for a short time now, but we are here for you.

Lots of Love, Diana and Henning

Jenn P. said...

Dear Erika,

I have nothing original to say, but I am so sorry, especially that you are experiencing so much loss all at once. We love you, and we're praying for you.

Jenn, for the "boys"

Dan and Michelle Finn said...

ERIKA! It is so GREAT to hear from you! I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have not had this happen to me, however I am having much difficulty getting pregnant and know how sad it must be. You are such an inspiration to me, and I am so exciting to keep in touch with you!

Regarding your comment on BL6. OMG, I had no idea that you were working on that, and I have NEVER disliked anyone more on a TV show. I am so sorry you had to meet that horrible person. I am actually getting ready to watch last nights episode right now. :) I'm hoping she gets booted. I think its so funny that she is trying to blame editing on how she is portrayed and I'm like, you were NOT edited to say what you said or look the way you looked. She is HORRIBLE! Anyway, I get to mad when I think of her so i'll stop.

So good to hear from you! Miss you! And my thoughts and prayers are with you!
XoXo,
Michelle Jackson Finn :)

alicia said...

There are no words to express my grief and sadness for you and Thomas. Thank you for sharing...my prayer will be for healing in your hearts.

~Alicia

Anonymous said...

You are in our prayers, my friend, for peace and hope and comfort and strength.

KDMK

Emi said...

Erika,
My thoughts, love and prayers are with you . . .may you & Thomas be filled with peace and healing.
Know that you can call me for anything . . .
with love, emi