i'll be honest, the holidays haven't exactly been the easiest. i didn't realise how much i'd been looking forward to celebrating Christmas and the New Year with Tummymuffin, until those days actually arrived and the sadness snuck up on me.
the week's retreat in the mountains was wonderful; very healing and restorative for both Thomas and me. i was able to really have time to process, cry, pray, and grieve honestly. i learned that grieving with fear is not good -- this doesn't mean i'll never have a child, or that the next pregnancy will end the same way, or that i'll never get pregnant again. it is a unique event that should be recognised as such. i realised that grief and gratitude is a better combination; every thanks i could give felt like one step more through the murkiness towards a clearer peace. and at the end of the week, i felt like i'd gotten to a much more peaceful place of acceptance and hope.
then, a few days later, a close friend of mine was killed in a car wreck. it's felt like i'd just struggled to my feet again, only to slip on the ice of painful emotion and crash on my back again. a lot of time and energy has gone into the aftermath of this event; the memorial service is in a few days and then maybe i'll feel like i can actually think about all of this.
don't get me wrong; there have been lots and lots of good days though; there has been much more happiness than otherwise. we had a quiet Christmas week and enjoyed decorating our home & celebrating the coming of the Prince of Peace. we've seen some friends and have been thankful for the famous Southern California mild winter weather. we've treated our time off like a real holiday, which is a good thing for two freelancers with unorthodox schedules. and the continued support and love from you has been absolutely key; your words of hope have made it so much easier to not stay in the shadows but start each day as a new beginning.
i'm hopeful for what 2009 will bring -- perhaps only because the end of 2008 has been so difficult. but regardless, the new year always brings out a longing in everyone for things to be different, to be better... and i am no exception. here's hoping your new year is filled with gratitude and blessing.
1 comment:
I am so glad you and Thomas had your time away.
I'm still waiting for a time to greive.
It comes in bits and pieces, grabbing me unaware.
The fabric section in Joann's--major meltdown looking at all those little baby flannels--who'd of thought?
The grief comes in waves, interrupted by life and the antics and needs of the boys.
My little ones are so sensitive and do not like to see Mommy cry.
You've been dealt a triple-whammy.
Give yourself the time and space to greive--for as long as you need.
Each of us is different and we'll need different things.
Ignore, as best you can, the dumb stuff people say. We humans are so bad at mourning and seeing others mourn so we often say stupid things in the hopes of helping.
Forgive me if I do the same.
Enjoy the good moments. They'll come--and go. Sometimes in a flash.
Love you! Gotta go help the boys.
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