Friday, June 19, 2009

no hiding

here i am, in the month i was supposed to finally meet Tummymuffin. i would be a week away from my due date right about now. just when i think i'm fine, the latent pockets of grief make themselves known; i almost didn't want to celebrate my birthday this week just because i felt so emotionally tired, and not even in an overt way, which makes it even weirder to deal with. seeing my social lethargy as a bad warning sign, i invited a whole bunch of people to come to my backyard throughout the day to have a cupcake or two with me. it was a success, and i realised how relieved and happy i was to be with people. i'm glad i was proactive; i want to keep moving forward and not hide out.
there's other posts brewing in the near future, but for now i just want to avoid isolation and accept that there are mostly good days but sometimes it still hurts a lot. in a week, on what would have been the due date, we are planning to give Tummymuffin a name because she needs to have her own place in our family. more importantly, the name "Tummymuffin" needs to be freed up for whoever we hope her brother or sister will be in the future. we're still trying, and hoping, and praying. for awhile, i was really hesitant about naming her; i guess it takes some courage to really call her a real child and recognise her as our first.
in some ways, i wonder if after the due date passes, i will sense an end to this "emotional pregnancy" and i'll feel differently. for any of you out there still reading who have dealt with a pregnancy loss, what did you do on/around your due date, and did things change?

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