Tuesday, October 27, 2009

to leave such a mark

remember how i talked about that liminal space between sleep & waking, where my crazy monkey brain is quieter, so it's easier to hear Truth? it was a hard dose of that yesterday morning when, as i was floating up through the layers of muzzy consciousness to awaken, i heard clearly: please don't stop loving your baby.
my eyes flew open and filled with tears: it's true, ever since the last ultrasound i've begun to detatch myself. i haven't been chatting with Tummymuffin like i usually do, i stopped looking at the daily pregnancy journal, and i've been building a cold and careful wall around my heart.
i know what the stakes are. with Isabela, i naively and blessedly had no fear of losing her, so my love for her never wavered. even though it made losing her so painful, it also made having her so real. i've known that struggling with love for this Tummymuffin might be a challenge, from the first moment i saw the pink double lines on my 99¢ pregs test. but i had no idea how easy it would be for me to go into You Might Get Hurt Again Begin Shut Down Process.
as i lay in bed, quiet, listening, i realised that i have two options if i continue to shut down: 1) Tummymuffin is just fine, and i will look back on this time of uncertainty with regret, because i lost out on those days with my child. 2) Tummymuffin may not be fine, and i will look back on this time of uncertainty with regret, because i lost out on the last days of being with my child. as is usually His nature, yet again, God is right: i need to stay engaged, present; yes, i need to love my baby.
if i had any doubts, the last few days of messages of encouragement and hope from you all have convinced me that i must remain open to giving -- and especially to receiving -- love. after all, this is what Bono (and I) sang a few nights ago: Only love, only love can leave such a mark/
But only love, only love can heal such a scar.


Sarah said...

Erika, I am thinking of you and Thomas every day. I am an optimist -- I have another baby card tucked in my calendar to send you. Our house is hoping for good news for your house!
Sarah and Azalea (the chihuahua)

Anonymous said...

wow. heavy and at the same time liberating. continuing to pray.


atw said...

this post made me cry. of course, more in the context of today, thinking of the significance of those words from your Creator. an oh, do those words from Magnificent speak truth. i don't know if i will ever hear the song the same. i love you.


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