Sunday, October 11, 2009

Week Seven - Anticipation

part of me still can’t believe that i’m actually, finally typing a header that begins with the word “week.” yes, it’s true: after much learning, healing, hoping, praying, and of course, trying: we have another Tummymuffin.
i’ll give you (and me) a moment now.
hopefully, your moment was all rejoicing; mine mostly is too, but honestly, there’s a wide streak of anxiety too. i know this is completely normal no matter how many pregnancies and deliveries a woman’s had; every new one comes with its own batch of worries. but i’m not surprised that the pregnancy after a miscarriage has its own unique brand of apprehension, no matter how trusting or serene i try to be.
i’m not trying to put a damper on the (very genuine) excitement; it’s just that when i decided to continue this blog after losing Isabela in week 10, there didn’t seem to be any reason to sugarcoat anything. so in the same vein of forthrightness, i want to be honest about my feelings and thoughts. i wish i still had the same giddy innocence i did with the first pregnancy, but instead i find myself filling out a pregnancy journal with the clenched little fist of defiant hope, with marking a due date being now an act of faith.
when i told Thomas and we both held one another and alternately giggled and cried and laughed and freaked out and smiled, i told him that i was disappointed to not be “more excited.” luckily, because the fabulous Muffin Daddy is a surprisingly intuitive sort of guy, he correctly interpreted that i meant “more full of joyous wide-eyed wonder about a small life growing inside me but alas, i’m not so wide-eyed anymore.” he wisely pointed out that we need to let others’ joy and excitement feed and nourish our own, and that we should probably call our parents sooner than later.
i’ve wrestled with how and when to start announcing the news to people and i’ve come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, i need the support and love that i’ve experienced from this community. i absolutely am certain that i could not have made it through losing the last baby without you all; i am also certain that i may not make it through the experience of gaining this one without you either. or as a dear friend put it: the number of people knowing or not knowing isn’t going to control the outcome of this pregnancy…except as it pertains to the amount of support it provides. she’s right.
i guess that’s my request this week: i welcome your delight and happiness because i need it. it is too easy to let whispers of fear begin with this Tummymuffin, and i refuse to let the mind games get the better of us. i find that your pleasure in our good news has been a wave of encouragement that has made it easier for me to embrace this pregnancy as wholeheartedly as the last one.
so, welcome back if it’s been awhile since you’ve been reading this, or thanks for staying with me through all the twists and turns, if you’re one of the three people (i know there are more of you, but i get a little daunted if i think about that) following along this whole last year. my vision for this blog is the same as last time: to shamelessly ask for the knowledge and input of all you wise women who i’ve come to be so deeply grateful for. click here for the original entry giving instructions on leaving comments. also, please feel free to share the news/blog with any of our mutual friends; i know i’ll eventually get around to telling people, but i think it’ll be harder for me to drum up the same enthusiasm for sending mass e-mails out!
thanks in advance for doing this journey with me…again.


Jamie Lives in Tokyo said...

am crying tears of joy with you and so grateful to be doing so. I affirm your decision to tell now, and agree whole heartedly that "the number of people knowing or not knowing isn’t going to control the outcome of this pregnancy"...which I am already starting to pray will be a cute, sweet, healthy, genius, wordsmith baby!!! :-) SOO happy for you both~

Jenn Perez said...

Oh, hooray! We've been praying so many months now for this new little one. So very, very happy for you, and for those who love you and have been waiting along with you. And so excited to be sharing the journey with you, my friend. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of it. We love you and Tummymuffin.

Jenn (and Joel)

Kimberly said...

Giddy with joy for you both!!!!!!!
Oh, my Dear Friend!
Isn't this all a roller coaster?
After losing Jimmy last summer we went back a forth on trying again. It took a year for me to realize I'll never be ready for it to end the same way again. I don't have to be. I am excited/scared/longing/freaked out depending on the moment.

Now, we've been trying for a few months and...nothing. Odd for us. And I find I'm sad. I flunked the test yesterday, but still nothing has happened and I am feeling odd physically. Who knows? I think it is good that I am sad. Crazy.

Sara and Kevin Allen Family said...

Rejoicing with you and so happy for you! The anxiety is so very normal. You no longer have the innocence of not knowing what loss feels like. However, knowing the deep feelings of loss, deepens other feelings, I find. I cherish my children in a deeper way after having lost one. This is not morbid, but a beautiful understanding of the infinite value of life. A realization that our children are precious gifts from God to hold for whatever time He allows us to hold them and a commitment to make every moment count. It is through loss that I fully understand what I have. Enjoy, cherish and celebrate each moment you hold this precious child.

Anonymous said...

This is pure joy! Your caution is natural.

Your courage and wisdom to invite your community into this moment is phenomenal. We are honored and grateful.

We pray with you for a smooth and healthy pregnancy!

Joining you in sweet anticipation,
Christine for CAKE

Christina said...

Great anticipation and hope for you, Erica! Praising God for the gift of life growing in your belly!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow. What excitement. You continue in my prayers, my friend.


Julianne Harvey said...

BABE! Huge congratulations to you. I've definitely been praying and thinking about you both. I'm so excited for you and completely agree from personal experience about the "pregnancy rose coloured glasses" coming off which is a sad thing, but unavoidable after such a big loss. Just keep praying and moving forward, trusting God, and you'll find that He's faithful to meet you. Congrats, and I love you!

Michelle said...

My dear dear friend, that is one wise and lucky little baby. I'm so incredibly happy for all of you. --Michelle


    in pregnancy loss communities,  when you have a living child after losing others, that child is called a "rainbow baby."  it&#...