Monday, September 5, 2011

Week Twelve

well, here we are, almost at the end of that first trimester thingy. some of you have asked if i've gone public with this pregnancy and the answer is no. i think the mark to pass for me, at least, will be this next checkup during Week Thirteen -- Trimester One will be completely over, we'll see the So Tummymuffin Can Dance show on the ultrasound, and maybe then i'll stop wearing loose clothes and show the bump and answer questions.
or maybe not. i don't know; living with the reality of this pregnancy as a "secret" has meant also living with this pregnancy as a quasi-reality. and doing all those things hopeful excited expectant women do doesn't feel yet like my territory. i just need to get there and then i guess i'll know.
i recently wrote to a friend that it is a daily tightrope walk between fear and hope...but so much of life is, i suppose. it can be exhausting way beyond the physical tiredness that i've gotten so used to now. watching my body change as it currently is in the mirror is alternately thrilling -- for all there is to hope for and love and anticipate -- and terrifying -- for all there is to lose, especially because i know that particular route too well. each day there's more to lose. and each day there's so much more to gain.
part of me hopes that passing that first trimester mark with everyone getting a clean bill o' health will perhaps let me feel free to shift this blog back into what it was meant to be three long years ago; a place for the more experienced moms to answer my newbie questions, a happy spot of updates for Tummymuffin's fans, a way of tracking the weeks in a meaningful manner.
in a strange twist, this next checkup will be on the day that Tummymuffin III would have been born. i always wondered what it would be like for me to mark the passing of a child while carrying its sibling; with Isabela and Tim this did not happen. but with the to-be-named TM3 -- it seems almost more difficult to be saying our official goodbyes to her with a full womb rather than an empty one.
i did, in an act of faith today, have husbinator take a photo of me, hand on belly, standing by the dragon in the delightful installation piece by Ai Weiwei currently on display at LACMA, since TM4 will be a water dragon if he/she arrives as scheduled. he said it's just the first of many pregnancy photos we'll take.

6 comments:

Kimberly said...

So glad to see this post this morning. I was thinking of you and praying for you a little while ago. Can you post the picture? I'd love to see it! :)
It's hard to say what hits each of us the hardest. This year's anniversary of Jimmy's passing was the hardest yet. Somehow, holding his little sister and looking around seeing the big gap in the kids made it hurt almost as much as the first day.
I think part of it may have been that last year I was still pregnant with Cupcake and just trying to not think about it amidst all the rest of the craziness that was that time. Doesn't work too well.

Jenni / Jennifer Saake a.k.a. InfertilityMom said...

Love you, Sissy!!!

Professor Valentine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Professor Valentine said...

We are cautiously joyful and tentatively expecting the arrival of this child. That said, I also want to put you and the baby in a hermetically sealed egg carton till the baby's arrival! I know - overprotective in my weird way... When I heard the news - sorry - our Oregon friend couldn't help it (but I'm also a reader on your blog so it would have been a matter of time) - I felt like a kid playing the game with the egg and spoon. Trying to hold my joy for you and hopes, carefully and cautiously, as we walk towards that finish line with the egg still in the cradle of the spoon. much love lulu .

Jenni / Jennifer Saake a.k.a. InfertilityMom said...

Have you and TM on my heart tonight and wanted to remind you that you are loved and held in prayer. {{{hug}}}

Jenni / Jennifer Saake a.k.a. InfertilityMom said...

I'm going through information withdrawls. I need another update, my friend. Even if it just seems ho-hum, more morning sickness, etc., please tell me SOMETHING! I'm praying for you and that sweet little Muffin!